Too much to do, too little time. Too many people to buy holiday gifts for, too little money. Too much food and alcohol, too little will power.
And sometimes most important, too little companionship for those who live alone or have lost loved ones, and too much for others suddenly plunged back into chaotic or abusive families.
If you are among the harried hordes this season, take heart. For one thing, it’ll soon be over. For another, there are ways — from the mundane to the meditative — to take care of yourself in the midst of the madness and get more joy out of the holidays.
Here’s a map through some of the minefields:
Expectations.
“The biggest source of stress is people’s expectations, including the expectation that from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day you should be really happy and joyous and spiritual the whole time,” says psychologist Alice Domar, director of the Mind/Body Center for Women’s Health at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center.
“There is this notion that people should be having a good time. It invalidates one’s experience of sadness or loneliness or whatever it might be,” agrees Edmund Neuhaus, a psychologist at McLean Hospital in Belmont.
The solution, they say, is to recognize that you’re probably not going to give — or get — the perfect present, the holiday dinner may be over- or under-cooked, guests may be late.
Family dynamics.
One of the joys of the holiday season is getting together with friends and families. But that’s one of the biggest stresses as well. One key is to recognize that even if you’ve changed, there’s a good chance family dynamics haven’t.
“No matter how old you are, you are still someone’s son or daughter or someone’s mother or father,” says Neuhaus. “The youngest child in a big family may be 40 now but he’ll be treated like the baby he was at 5 or 10. . . That can create a lot of tension.”
The remedy is to anticipate this, tolerate it as best you can, and realize that at bottom the question many people are secretly asking of families at holiday time is: Are you ever going to acknowledge that I am worthwhile?
And if experience tells you that going home is always a disaster, there’s an important truth often overlooked at holiday time: You don’t actually have to go if you don’t want to, no matter what the pressure.
If you do choose to spend the holiday with family, you can control how much time you spend and what you do.
“Plan in advance what the program will be for the day, communicate that in advance, and structure the interaction so it will be minimally problematic,” suggests Dr. Andrew W. Brotman, chief of psychiatry at Beth Israel Deaconess. “It’s frequently easier to do visits for several hours rather than several days.”
You can show up for gift opening, say, then take a walk or a nap, and go back later. If you can afford it, consider staying in a hotel.
Really bad family dynamics.
The holidays are a “tremendous time of increased stress for women dealing with domestic violence because of cultural pressures to have the whole family together,” says Jane Oldfield, director of the violence intervention program at New England Medical Center. “They may have false hopes that things will get better or that they should get back together for the sake of the children for the holiday.”
That “could be dangerous,” adds Oldfield, who says hard data are sparse, but her experience suggests domestic violence goes up during holidays.
If you have been abused and feel sad or unsafe, call a domestic violence hotline, adds Georgianna Melendez-Brown, outreach coordinator for the Casa Myrna Vazquez.
Recognize that the abuser may try to manipulate you through the kids, who may feel sad if a father doesn’t show up. “The woman has to help the children cope with the reality, which is that their father isn’t able to be there for them in the way they deserve,” she says.
And be wary of the idea of getting back together with an abuser for the holidays, then planning to split up afterwards. It often doesn’t work.
Alcohol.
Like violence, alcoholism can pose a particular problem at the holidays, he adds. Social drinkers and alcoholics alike may feel more permission to overdo it and the anxiety of the season can push some people to use alcohol to “self-medicate.”
But there are support groups for alcoholics and for those whose lives have been affected by alcoholism, and many offer extra meetings around the holidays. Alcoholics Anonymous, for instance, has 24-hour “Alkathons,” from 6 p.m., on Christmas Eve to 6 p.m., Christmas Day, and a similar schedule at New Year’s.
Loved ones who aren’t there.
“One cannot help but think about those you have lost on the holidays — it’s not possible to dismiss that,” says Brotman. “The key is finding a way to cope.
Some people set an empty place at the table for a loved one who has died, or hang up an empty Christmas stocking. This may help some families, but can be too grim for others. In general, it’s best to acknowledge the loss, perhaps visit the cemetery, and reminisce with others who knew the person. And then move on.
Kids may need special help coping with a loss at holiday time, including gentle reminders that even Santa Claus can’t bring back a missing mother, father, or sibling.
Grieving can also be difficult for invisible losses, like the children you long for but haven’t had, the mate who hasn’t quite materialized. For infertile women, one source of comfort at holiday time may come from helping others, like by working in a soup kitchen.
Loneliness and depression.
Despite the lights and candles, the music and the merry-making, many people feel lonely during the holidays, whether they’re surrounded by other people or not.
“Everybody on the holiday is not filled with joy,” says psychiatrist Brotman. “It’s not abnormal to feel somewhat alienated, somewhat disappointed, to not have the joy and optimism for the new year that others have.”
The feeding frenzy.
The best way cope with the temptation to forget your healthful eating habits at parties is to start with a diet Coke or ginger ale, says Johanna Dwyer, director of the Frances Stern Nutrition Center at New England Medical Center.
That will not only slow down your alcohol consumption, but will fill you up a bit, too. You might also want to have a hard boiled egg before you go, on the same theory. Once at the festivities, try eating the crackers without the cheese or dip, or go for the veggies and fruits if your host offers them. Part of the holidays is enjoying special foods and a few indulgences probably won’t hurt, but moderation is the key.
If you have a serious eating disorder, go to extra support group meetings. When you’re at someone else’s house, tell your hostess about your vulnerabilities. Try not to have your eating — too much or too little — become the focus of the entire group.
Self-nurturing.
Don’t laugh. It is possible to take care of yourself while juggling the obligations to others, even at holiday time, says psychologist Domar.
“Spend half an hour a day on yourself,” she says. Take a hot bath, watch a movie, listen to a relaxation tape or, best of all, take a walk or do some other kind of exercise.
Exercise is the best “pill” for anxiety, depression and a host of other ills, she says. And it’s free.
SIDEBAR:
Where you can turn for help?
Some telephone numbers for help during the holidays:
- Family violence: Casa Myrna Vazquez, 1-800-992-2600. You can also call 911 for emergency help.
- Substance abuse: National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Referral Routing Service of the US Department of Health and Human Services Center for Substance Abuse Treatment, 1-800-662-4357.
You may also call 1-800-729-6686., the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information.
Alcoholics Anonymous can be reached at 617-426-9444. Al-Anon, for people affected by someone else’s drinking, can be reached at 781-843-5300.
- Depression. If you are seriously depressed, call the emergency room at your local hospital.